Brielle vs. Toilet

Brielle is a very busy little girl! She stopped nursing at four months old because she didn't want the bother. After all, bottles and food were so much faster. She started walking around 9 months and at 18 months she can run circles around me. I love my Brielleeeeboo. My mom says that she is just like me.

She however, has been very difficult lately. Her idea of a good day is going into the bathrooms a million times to eat toothpaste, brush the toilet with toothbrushes, splash in the water of the toilet she eats markers, stands on the kitchen table and will pull out every dish from every cabinet regularly.

We have gotten very good at creating obstacles for her. Gates and locks are our friend. However, she still manages to find something that is dangerous or "off limits." I watch her mind race as we block off her ability to get to what she wants. Our attempts to keep her out of danger only give her more motivation to get what has been taken away.

I look at Brielle and think "Why does she keep going for things that aren't good for her?" I know that is what God thinks of me. Why sweet child do you continually try to figure out how to do the wrong thing? I guess just like Brielle I just want what I want. I know there will be consequences and yet many days I am still willing to take the risk and play in the toilet. I know Brielle will eventually learn that toilets aren't that fun. I hope I too will learn the toilet lessons in my life. I want to remember that God's boundaries are for my protection and because He loves me and living outside them just isn't that fun!

Ahhh...the power of a sweatshirt!

One can truly never underestimate the power of a sweatshirt. It is such a cozy addition to any wardrobe. Living in Arizona for the past three years I have forgotten how much I love sweatshirts. I am quite certain I never wore one while living there. I missed my warm friend. I missed the feeling you get as you slide it over your head and let loose what lies underneath the clothing. It feels like an instant warm hug. I am so glad to wear sweatshirts again that it almost makes me giddy!

Carolyn

My sister Carolyn is what I lovingly call "medically involved." She has suffered with illness for over half her life. I don't mean a cold here and there. She has suffered with the kinds of illnesses that land her in the hospital for weeks on end. I literally can't count how many surgeries she has had but I would venture to say well over 25.

Why do I share this with you? She is one of my hero's. Rarely do I hear her complain about her life. She doesn't stay in bed all day feeling sorry for herself. She makes the most of every moment she can. When she is in the hospital she always has a stash of candy for her nurses and a smile and a kind word too. I have seen her play match maker with the Dr.'s and Nurses and get to know them personally. I've seen her share her love of the Lord through her sweet and gentle demeanor. She doesn't spend her day complaining or being grumpy as many patients tend to do.

Recently, Carolyn came to visit me in Colorado. During her trip she didn't seem well but that didn't stop her. She kept going, kept pressing on, kept loving and spoiling my kids. We went to Focus on the Family to let the kids play at Whit's End. While there the slide beckoned her name. This isn't just any slide it is a huge giant slide that literally spirals outside of the building. Carolyn wasn't feeling great but that didn't stop hear. Caden asked her to go down it, so up the stairs she went. Again, this is a GIANT slide so there are probably five or so flights of stairs. Carolyn not feeling well and not adjusted to altitude climbed the stairs for the love of her nephew.

Carolyn left Colorado on Saturday and on Sunday she was in the hospital with pneumonia, a blood infection and low potassium.

Carolyn didn't let life ruin her joy. She lives everyday with the reality that it may be her last. She continues to have fun and invest in others. We all have options in life. I know that I let so many things hold me back. I hope that I can live like Carolyn. The unfortunate truth is I think sometimes I live like I have pneumonia a blood infection and low potassium more than she does!

The Charm of Charms

I have been writing frequently but I haven't been posting. Why? It seems as though everything I write somehow refers to David and Renee Hames. I have come to the conclusion I am using writing as a part of my grieving process. I know that for some of you the continuation of the saga may just be too much so you are fore warned.

Here is my latest story......

I had the privilege of going to a brunch to honor my friend Renee. When we were at the brunch we all gave her a charm for a bracelet and with each charm came an explanation of why we gave her the charm. It was a wonderful, tearful, joyful and deep time of true friendship.

I too have a charm bracelet full of charms given to me by my family and friends. Each day I have been wearing my bracelet to remind me to pray for Renee. I added to my bracelet the same charm I gave her as a reminder to pray for her. I chose to give her a small shoe to signify that the journey has just begun and that I will walk the journey with her forever.

The charm bracelet isn't the easiest thing to put on. It tends to fall off just as you go to hook it together. One day I was frustrated as I was trying to put on my bracelet. I was going to go ask Carl for help when in my head I heard "NO, don't ask for help do it alone." I really didn't think much about the "voice in my head(scary)." I just took the suggestion at face value and began to put my bracelet on each day without help.

On Sunday I went to church and Renee said to me "It's just the little things that are hard, like putting on this bracelet." In that moment I knew exactly why the little voice or in reality the Holy Spirit prompted me to not seek help with the bracelet. I am so thankful that in some small way I can really understand what she is saying. I can truly empathize with her. I too am struggling with the bracelet. So each day as I put on the bracelet and struggle my prayers are more directed. I pray that God would give Renee help with all of the little details. I pray that He would show her that He hasn't left her and He cares enough to prompt a friend to battle the little things with her!

God is a God of the details. Although many times in our journey called life we feel that He has abandoned us....He is still helping us put on our bracelet.

Faithful

Carl and I have gone through an extremely difficult year including Carl being without employment for just over 7 months. It seems logical that we should have been distraught and angry. The truth is we grew more with the Lord and had so much peace that He was going to work everything out. We basically sat back and went on the ride.

We had every intention of staying in Arizona where we were living. I had a good job and Carl diligently looked for work there. He sent out resume after resume and NOT ONE call! We were confused because we had so many responsibilities in Arizona including a house that was and is worth a quarter of what we paid for it. I had a job that was very intense and required many hours. How could they fill my shoes(thick sarcasm interjected)? Oh and did I mention that my entire family lives in Arizona and we all lived within about five miles of each other?

We felt like God called us to pray every night for his guidance until He spoke. We poured our hearts out, our fears, concerns everything! We were exhausted. We so expected Him to answer in a day or two or three or even four. It was about day 15 that Carl said "I am too tired tonight." I agreed very quickly!(Good thing it wasn't 40 years) So Carl looks up and says "Hey God don't give me a dream tonight, don't speak to us we don't need to know what is going on." He knew God could handle his sense of humor and off to bed we went. I know you will be shocked but that is the night the Lord spoke. In a dream the Lord spoke to Carl. He said "the deadline for the interview in Colorado Springs is Sept 20something." (Carl couldn't remember the exact date but it was in the twenties). It was late August when he had this dream. Carl immediately poo-pooed the date. What we did believe was that God was calling us back to Colorado Springs. So Carl immediately began the job search in Colorado. We called David and Renee to let them know we were coming back. David mentioned CCB. So the week of September 20 something Carl was on a plane to Colorado and interviewing for two positions. Hmmm...the date did mean something! The story is much longer and much more involved but CCB is where Carl is currently working and loves it!

Carl packed his car and headed to Colorado on Thursday, October 22. He got there just in time for David's 40 birthday party on the 24th of October. He had the opportunity to live with David and Renee for about 6 weeks before the kids and I joined. Coincidence? I think not! God had a plan even in the midst of our chaos God knew we and especially Carl needed time with David.

We know God has brought us back to Colorado. We know there is so much He has in store for us. We are excited about our journey here and even in the midst of sadness and grief we are excited about what is next! If you are facing uncertainty(trust me ours isn't over) don't let the enemy take control. God is faithful!

The Dentist

Today I had the joy of going to the dentist. I am not being sarcastic when I say joy. I genuinely felt joyful. How? Am I crazy(still being debated)? I actually felt joyful because after living out of the state for three and a half years my dentist remember my name. He also remembered my children, he remembered my husband did voice-over work and he also remembered my friend David who was also a patient of his. He recalled that we had referred David and Renee to him well over eight years ago. What? Who remembers such details. Although great friends we didn't go to the dentist together. We simply referred them to the dentist. This is the fascinating part he has been greatly touched by David. He talked about what an amazing father he was and he said "he was just one of those guys that you knew wasn't all talk but really was hands on with his children." He said that while David was missing he kept hoping that David would come home. He spoke of how genuine David was and how kind. He said " I just don't get why the good guys go so young?" I would have to say that is the question of the century!

I don't know if my Dentist has a real relationship with Jesus. If I had to go with my gut I would say no. What I do know is that I can look at all the dental work that Carl and I need to get done and complain or I can see every visit to the dentist as an opportunity to show God's love. I guess one more life lesson from David. Thanks for the continued journey friend!

Tough Days

Yesterday was very difficult for both my husband and myself. It was just one of those days when you look at the circumstances of your life and ache.

Yesterday was Zander's third birthday. We were so privileged to have lunch with him and celebrate. He was so joyful and excited to turn three. He graced us all with his favorite saying "What's your name?" Even though he not only knows our names he could probably say them in alphabetical order. He just loves to ask everyone that question. He danced a silly dance and took pictures with everyone. He lit up as we sang Happy Birthday and loved his froggy cake. He had a great time!

We however, felt the loss more than ever. It seems so wrong for a three year old not to celebrate his birthday with his father. I missed David's proud Papa face. It was painful and sad. When I got home I realized just how angry I am at God. I am so annoyed by his plan. Yes,(for those of you who attend Vanguard)I judged God. I know I shouldn't but I don't know how to not judge Him right now. He could have saved my friend but He didn't. He could have allowed a three year old many more years with an adoring father.

This morning I felt prompted to read through Job. As I was reading I realized that I do want to love God like Job did. He was stripped of everything and never cursed God(wish this was true of me). I guess it comes down to continuing to journey onward with God. I don't trust Him or like Him but I do still Love Him. I wonder how many of you are exactly where I am at?