The Mirror

Today begins a journey.

I am determined to live a healthier lifestyle. I know I have said this a MILLION times before! If you have read my blog at all you know this topic is a reoccurring theme. Why? The reason is simple it the most prominent area in my life that is not fully surrendered to God. It nags at me daily. I have gotten very good at ignoring it.

God however is not letting me out so easily. Last night Carl and I had a very lengthy conversation about our health, the health of our children and what changes need to occur. During the course of our conversation Carl suggested that I find scriptures to memorize to help me when this change in my life becomes daunting. I sweetly smiled and agreed but truly didn't think much of the idea. I want to change but it's all the work involved that scares me!

On Mondays I am blessed to have a neighbor that takes Brielle for a few hours. Generally, I use this time to clean and organize. Today, I decided to spend a little time on myself. I indulged in a pedicure and just relaxed for an hour. I also decided that I am worth it so I went and got fast food. Huh? Isn't that a weird thought? It would be a strange thought to people who don't struggle with food. I am sure the others who have struggles with food addictions didn't even question that statement. So home I came with my bag of garbage. I ate my bag of garbage. Then it hit me...I was supposed to change today. I was supposed to start a new healthier lifestyle. I failed again. Typically, when failure occurs I run to more food.

Today was different. I ran to God. Three weeks ago my sister-in-law gave me a book on weight loss. I thanked her for the book and promptly laid it on my desk. It hadn't been opened. I decided that I would open the book. To my great surprise there were pre-printed scripture cards ready for my mind to absorb. God wants to help me on this journey if I will let Him. I began to read the book and it was all that I needed. It spoke of failure and how it has become my normal. It spoke about pressing onward toward the prize. I felt energized.

I decided to take a few minutes to journal. As I was writing I felt like God gave me a vision of my future. I know this may sound very strange to some of you. It seems a little weird to me too. For me a vision is like a dream only I am awake. I know what I "saw" is exactly what God is trying to teach me.

I saw a room with a door. This room was rather large, white and it felt chaotic. I walked to the door and squeezed through. I found myself in another room that wasn't quite so sterile. It had a bit more warmth and it seemed a little more peaceful. It too had a door in it that was just a bit smaller than the door I had just gone through. Again, I squeezed through the door only to find another room with another door just a little bit smaller than the door behind me. It seemed like I entered twenty rooms. Each room more warm and calm and each door a bit smaller. I came to the final room and instead of a door there was a mirror. I ran to the mirror. I was very excited to look into the mirror thinking I would see beautiful, thin, healthier version of myself. Instead I saw Jesus. Literally, my breath was taken away. I began to weep.

This journey for me will be about knowing God better. I will have to trust Him each step of the way with every failure and praise Him for each success. I do pray that in the end when I reach the final room that I as well as others will see Jesus in the mirror.

To Walk or Not to Walk!

I have entered a very strange reality in my life. I have two children in school, one at home, no full time job and time for myself. I am realizing that I don't understand how to take care of me. I feel guilty for doing things that are good for me. I have become so accustomed to taking care of everyone and their needs that I have forgotten that I must take care of myself.

Today I decided to take a walk right after I took the kids to school. I live directly across the street from a park so I walked across the street and began the journey of taking care of myself. What is so strange is the feelings I experienced as I was walking. My thoughts ranged from feeling blessed to live in such a beautiful city to what time is it I really need to get home I have so much to do. I was praying as I walked that God would teach me to take time for myself, all the while I kept thinking of the things that needed to get done for my family. I don't count myself in the list of things that deserve my time.

I pray I can break this cycle in my life. I have a great husband who is never frustrated or angry if I take time for me. I have the ability to do it for the first time in my life. I have a park across the street that has amazing views. Everything is lined up for me to succeed at taking time for me. Will I do it? ....That is the question.

Vanguard, Mrs. Weaver and the Dreaded "Meet and Greet" Time.

All summer long Caden had asked us to go into the adult service at church. He struggled on Sunday mornings in his class and often felt insecure and cried. He also really wanted to see our pastor Kelly preach because he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. So we gave Caden the challenge of having good behavior for three weeks and then he could go to service with us. So for three weeks Caden kept himself together. The time came for him to go to service with us and Pastor Kelly was out of town. So Caden waited a couple more weeks to go to service with us.

We sat down in our usual seats and got ready for service. Caden spots a lady at the end of our row whom I have never seen before at Vanguard. He says "Mom she is a teacher at my school." I say, "Oh really, that's great honey." Service began. On this week they had a "meet and greet" time, this is not a normal Sunday morning activity at our church. Frankly, I am not a big fan of the "meet and greet" time. Caden insisted that we go and greet the teacher he knew. So I walk down the isle with him and he says hello and we find out that she is a second grade teacher, her name is Mrs. Weaver. Caden happens to be going into second grade.

God knows Caden well. He knows his heart and needs. We prayed for Caden's teacher all summer. Caden really wanted Mrs. Weaver. We prayed that God would give him just the right teacher. So on Tuesday night we went to meet his teacher and I was reminded that God is a God of the details. He got the teacher that sat in the same row as us on the only time Caden has ever gone to the adult service.

So this morning Caden had so much confidence going to school. He knew his teacher was just who God wanted for him. Obviously, it made me feel a lot better too!

I made it to the door!

The backpacks are gone today. Today was the day I sent two kids off to school. I held myself together through the whole drop off time with the kids. I stayed strong acted excited and wished them great blessing on a fabulous first day of school. I walked out the front doors of the school and wept.






I didn't want my kids to leave. I loved summer and my precious time with them. We hiked, went to the zoo, went on picnics, we went roller skating, played in all sorts of water, had birthday parties and generally enjoyed each other. I loved having my kids all to myself. I loved sharing all of these fun moments with them. Caden wasn't sad to go back to school, he was excited. He was sad that our summer was over. WE HAD FUN!

I think most Moms struggle with this day. I think I may struggle more. Why? Great question! I certainly don't believe it is because I love my children more than other moms. I believe I struggle more because it symbolizes growing up to me. I have spent most of my adult life working with preschoolers. I get preschoolers. I understand how they tick and how to help them succeed in life. I have extensive training and education for children ages birth to five. I felt very equipped to be a mother of little children. I however don't feel equipped to be a mother of school aged children. I am nervous about this transition. Will I instinctivly understand their needs? Will I understand how to help them through the next major milestones in life like girls or boys "liking" them and friends being mean? Will I be smart enough to help them with algebra? I often say I chose preschool because I was really good at my ABC's and I only needed to count to ten. I don't know the answers to these questions but I know that God is my source and my stregnth.

So after I wept I came home with Brielle and read stories, watched Sesame Street with her and enjoyed loving her. This is the first time I have had the chance to see her without her siblings. She won't need to cry for my attention or become frustrated that the older kids are doing something she can't. I am excited to love her.

I will miss the kids. I will miss their laughter and their silliness. Mostly, I will miss that they will never be little kids again, they are growing up.

Go Away Yippy Dog!

I am so tired of grief. I have felt it, seen it and in a strange way I feel as though it has moved into my life and is trying to become a friend. I don't want this friend. It is like a little yippy dog who is constantly barking at my feet. I just want to kick it away!

This week I have walked through grief again. I have shared time with a grieving friend. I too am still grieving her loss. A friends father passed away and another friend of mine was diagnosed with what we think is a terminal illness. I am weary.

I am so confused with the sovereignty of God. Why would he choose to allow so many I love to grieve so deeply? Why would He allow me to grieve so deeply?

I know all of the scriptures of peace, hope and comfort. I want to feel the peace, hope and comfort. I know I love God. Why don't I feel the promises? Why am I wrestling with Him?

I have come to the conclusion that this is my journey. I must wrestle. I must struggle with understanding a God who has all the power in the world and in my humble opinion isn't using it very well(obvious sarcasm interjected here). Some may ask "Why would you continue to serve and love a God who is mean?"

Drum roll.................because.

Yep, that is my answer.

Because, I know He loves me.
Because, I know He knows the whole story.
Because, what would faith be without some tension?

Quite simply I must learn to love, serve and trust God even when I don't get Him. I can't put God in my box. I must allow Him to be God.

I wasted 1271 minutes and I can't get them back!

Recently, I have become a fan of a game called Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. I am not very good at this game. However, I have convinced myself that practice will help me to obtain Bejeweled Blitz glory. If I practice I will be able to get scores like Candice Covak or Steve Zitzmann. Mind you I am not jealous (nor am I judging them, as you read on this comment will make more sense) of them just amazed by their extreme talent. Surely if I play enough I will get as good as they are, right?

I have always struggled with self-control and self -discipline. I either have too much or too little in most situations. I have no balance. It has been my life-long battle and one I really want to conquer. Why is it that when I enjoy something I over indulge? Why is it also true that if I don't enjoy an activity I will run to things I do enjoy to avoid the "unpleasant" activity.

So I have come to the conclusion that I have allowed my compulsive nature to take over and Bejeweled Blitz has received 1271 minutes of my time in about five weeks. 1271 minutes computes to over 21 hours. I have spent 21 hours playing a game. I have allowed a game to rob my family. I have taken time from my children, my husband and myself to play a game. Really? I do have boundaries and usually play at night or nap-time. Still I am sure that 21 hours could have been spent in a much better way!

So now what? Do I beat myself up mentally, as I typically do? Do I give up on myself, as I typically do? Do I remind myself that "other people" don't struggle with things the way I do, as I typically do? I could but I am choosing not to do this. This time I am choosing to just stop playing the game. I am choosing to give myself back 21 hours.

Now what to do with all the time?

Lord, please help me to use the 21 hours of time you have just given me to help others and myself. Help me to use the hours for eternal good!

Once upon a time there was a girl with three sisters...

I am blessed to have three amazing sisters! I am honored to be the baby of the family and to see them live their lives as an example for me.

Linda is the firstborn of our family. I won't call her the oldest because that may not be nice! She is a funny, passionate, creative overachiever. She is a leader and people respect her. When she was 28 she made a decision to adopt two boys. She was single and felt like God called her to be their Mother. She gave up so much for them. However, I don't think she would ever say she gave up so much because she is a Mother who adores her sons. Her sons are amazing men. I have the privilege of living with her son John. I also worked with him for three and a half years. I get to hear often how wonderful he is. I attribute this to Linda her sacrifice and her love. I am honored to call her sister! Without my sister Linda I wouldn't know what it feels like to be locked in a lazy susan (I am still a bit claustrophobic to this day). I am sure I deserved it!

Carolyn is a strong, sensitive, creative, beautiful fighter. Carolyn is the most amazing Aunt. My children adore her. Their affection and care for her is so precious. Carolyn has some health issues which land her in the hospital on a regular basis. I love watching my children intercede for her before the Lord asking Him to heal her. Carolyn has a very generous spirit. She is the first to make sure all my children have clothes and shoes along with puppy bracelets and action figures. Carolyn shares my love of Sonic and ice cold beverages. I love to spend time with her.

Lisa is my silly, fun-lovin, overworked, mother of four sister. She is always positive even when her circumstances are difficult. Lisa has loved her husband since she was 15 years old. I have watched them go through so many life changes and I still see her smile when she sees him. Lisa loves her children well! I often call her and find her at the park with her kids after working a 10 hour day. Lisa and I would sing to each other and give each other back rubs to fall asleep each night when we were children. Lisa would wear my clothes to school that I had ironed and prepared the night before. She knew what buttons to push with me, at times she still does. Lisa is smart and goofy. She is my friend and my biggest supporter.

I am a blessed woman. I have three sisters who Love God with all their hearts. I am so thankful that I know I get to love them for eternity!

So Linda, Carolyn and Lisa thank you for being the examples of faith, passion, perseverance and strength to me. Thank you for loving me with all my imperfections and letting me be me.