Wednesday, August 25, 2010

To Walk or Not to Walk!

I have entered a very strange reality in my life. I have two children in school, one at home, no full time job and time for myself. I am realizing that I don't understand how to take care of me. I feel guilty for doing things that are good for me. I have become so accustomed to taking care of everyone and their needs that I have forgotten that I must take care of myself.

Today I decided to take a walk right after I took the kids to school. I live directly across the street from a park so I walked across the street and began the journey of taking care of myself. What is so strange is the feelings I experienced as I was walking. My thoughts ranged from feeling blessed to live in such a beautiful city to what time is it I really need to get home I have so much to do. I was praying as I walked that God would teach me to take time for myself, all the while I kept thinking of the things that needed to get done for my family. I don't count myself in the list of things that deserve my time.

I pray I can break this cycle in my life. I have a great husband who is never frustrated or angry if I take time for me. I have the ability to do it for the first time in my life. I have a park across the street that has amazing views. Everything is lined up for me to succeed at taking time for me. Will I do it? ....That is the question.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Vanguard, Mrs. Weaver and the Dreaded "Meet and Greet" Time.

All summer long Caden had asked us to go into the adult service at church. He struggled on Sunday mornings in his class and often felt insecure and cried. He also really wanted to see our pastor Kelly preach because he wants to be a preacher when he grows up. So we gave Caden the challenge of having good behavior for three weeks and then he could go to service with us. So for three weeks Caden kept himself together. The time came for him to go to service with us and Pastor Kelly was out of town. So Caden waited a couple more weeks to go to service with us.

We sat down in our usual seats and got ready for service. Caden spots a lady at the end of our row whom I have never seen before at Vanguard. He says "Mom she is a teacher at my school." I say, "Oh really, that's great honey." Service began. On this week they had a "meet and greet" time, this is not a normal Sunday morning activity at our church. Frankly, I am not a big fan of the "meet and greet" time. Caden insisted that we go and greet the teacher he knew. So I walk down the isle with him and he says hello and we find out that she is a second grade teacher, her name is Mrs. Weaver. Caden happens to be going into second grade.

God knows Caden well. He knows his heart and needs. We prayed for Caden's teacher all summer. Caden really wanted Mrs. Weaver. We prayed that God would give him just the right teacher. So on Tuesday night we went to meet his teacher and I was reminded that God is a God of the details. He got the teacher that sat in the same row as us on the only time Caden has ever gone to the adult service.

So this morning Caden had so much confidence going to school. He knew his teacher was just who God wanted for him. Obviously, it made me feel a lot better too!

I made it to the door!

The backpacks are gone today. Today was the day I sent two kids off to school. I held myself together through the whole drop off time with the kids. I stayed strong acted excited and wished them great blessing on a fabulous first day of school. I walked out the front doors of the school and wept.

I didn't want my kids to leave. I loved summer and my precious time with them. We hiked, went to the zoo, went on picnics, we went roller skating, played in all sorts of water, had birthday parties and generally enjoyed each other. I loved having my kids all to myself. I loved sharing all of these fun moments with them. Caden wasn't sad to go back to school, he was excited. He was sad that our summer was over. WE HAD FUN!

I think most Moms struggle with this day. I think I may struggle more. Why? Great question! I certainly don't believe it is because I love my children more than other moms. I believe I struggle more because it symbolizes growing up to me. I have spent most of my adult life working with preschoolers. I get preschoolers. I understand how they tick and how to help them succeed in life. I have extensive training and education for children ages birth to five. I felt very equipped to be a mother of little children. I however don't feel equipped to be a mother of school aged children. I am nervous about this transition. Will I instinctivly understand their needs? Will I understand how to help them through the next major milestones in life like girls or boys "liking" them and friends being mean? Will I be smart enough to help them with algebra? I often say I chose preschool because I was really good at my ABC's and I only needed to count to ten. I don't know the answers to these questions but I know that God is my source and my stregnth.

So after I wept I came home with Brielle and read stories, watched Sesame Street with her and enjoyed loving her. This is the first time I have had the chance to see her without her siblings. She won't need to cry for my attention or become frustrated that the older kids are doing something she can't. I am excited to love her.

I will miss the kids. I will miss their laughter and their silliness. Mostly, I will miss that they will never be little kids again, they are growing up.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Go Away Yippy Dog!

I am so tired of grief. I have felt it, seen it and in a strange way I feel as though it has moved into my life and is trying to become a friend. I don't want this friend. It is like a little yippy dog who is constantly barking at my feet. I just want to kick it away!

This week I have walked through grief again. I have shared time with a grieving friend. I too am still grieving her loss. A friends father passed away and another friend of mine was diagnosed with what we think is a terminal illness. I am weary.

I am so confused with the sovereignty of God. Why would he choose to allow so many I love to grieve so deeply? Why would He allow me to grieve so deeply?

I know all of the scriptures of peace, hope and comfort. I want to feel the peace, hope and comfort. I know I love God. Why don't I feel the promises? Why am I wrestling with Him?

I have come to the conclusion that this is my journey. I must wrestle. I must struggle with understanding a God who has all the power in the world and in my humble opinion isn't using it very well(obvious sarcasm interjected here). Some may ask "Why would you continue to serve and love a God who is mean?"

Drum roll.................because.

Yep, that is my answer.

Because, I know He loves me.
Because, I know He knows the whole story.
Because, what would faith be without some tension?

Quite simply I must learn to love, serve and trust God even when I don't get Him. I can't put God in my box. I must allow Him to be God.